Tearing Down the "Circus"

liketheappliance:

itsalwayssunny:

(via elohbee & routinemalaise)

Season 6 starts tonight!  10 pm on FX.  Click image for official “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” website.

Another woefully bland day in the world of Family Circus. Apparently this is before weather prediction existed, and that’s been around for a long time. Any dolt with at least one eyeball can look outside and tell, with reasonable accuracy, whether it is about to rain or not. If the dark clouds are piling up above or around you… well, your first destination shouldn’t be the beach. If it’s clear and sunny you can probably go to the beach and be safe from rain.

Now, I know it can be tricky sometimes. Those crazy fronts can come and go randomly and really getcha. But come on. If this family’s been going to the beach in almost every comic strip for the past week, I’m going to go ahead and guess they’re close enough to it that if rain clouds start to move in, they can just drive home no problem.

Yeah, they COULD. If the kids weren’t stupid and the mom wasn’t passed out on her tanning chair in a haze of whiskey and broken dreams. Sure, the dad could have been looking out for them if he hadn’t needed to meet “Gene from the office” for an “emergency business meeting”. 

“Yes, Billy,” the mother says apathetically. “Maybe it is just a shower. And maybe your real parents will come back to get you and stop not loving you.”

Yes, Billy. That’s fine.

JEFFY! AGAIN! Okay, this is getting a little ridiculous. This kid is needy one. “Lift me up!” he exclaims, “I wish to experience the ocean, but not really, because these tiny waves are too much.” 

Actually, I have discovered another, darker meaning to today’s comic. Bear with me here. Look at Billy there on the right. His face is obscured by the edge of the comic. Coincidence? Or is it meant to symbolize the emotionless killer lurking just off shore? Dolly is running blissfully around, into deeper waters. She doesn’t understand what is about to happen. Now for the people just above her, to the left. One is being pulled under, all you can see is his head just above water and on the edge of the comic. The man next to him is waving his hand in the air as he desperately tries to get somebody’s, anybody’s attention! He feels a ripple of water beside him and then something bumps him… something not of this water. Something hellish and monstrous.

He looks quickly to his left, to his right. Nothing. The man quickly swims over to his friend and stares into the man’s lifeless eyes… but they’re not lifeless, there’s something there. Something mysterious and burning. A man who has seen everything and nothing all at once. A deep horror clutches his heart and pulls it down into the abyss of primordial terror that lurks within all of our subconsciouses. A shadow falls over him and he spins around to face that which has been stalking him. He looks into the horrible eyes of the creature from beyond this dimension - the great Cthulhu. It takes him up in his tentacles and looks beyond the man, into the inner recesses of his mind. Cthulhu’s wings extend, the tentacles reach out and OH GOD! I CAN SEE FOREVER!

Meanwhile, the father picks Jeffy up and waits for the next wave to come. His life sentence to the back of the funny pages has left him dull and unfeeling. His lack of care shoots out of him like a great apathy beacon, hitting the great Cthulhu in the eye and causing it to recede back into the folds of space time. Humanity is saved. For now. Family Circus did something great today.

Once again, I want to first bring attention to the miserable looks on the parents’ faces. Especially the dad’s. I think the reason he wears those glasses obscuring his eyes are so that his burning hatred is a little less obvious, and instead it just looks like he’s sad.

I’ll tell you what, these posts have been a little Jeffy heavy, and I’m not really sure why good old Bil keeps writing comics about this particular hellion. He got the award for least skilled (sand castle), most idiotic (being excited about hitting the ocean), and now bitchiest (poor widdle feeties).

You think the sand’s too hot? You don’t want to burn your feet? That dad should take a couple of those extra kids they have running around and strap them to his feet, face down, so his feet don’t get burned. I’m not saying he should be stepping on their faces and such… those kids can walk on all fours, and it will be like shoes that walk for you. As a side-note, that mother is like 80+ years old. She has no business wearing that bikini. Thank you, Family Circus, for completely disregarding both social norms and fashion basics.

Every now and then, I’ll pick a past Family Circus to write about. This is fairly new and I need to fill a little space, but I’ll still do daily critiques.

I am so proud. Jeffy, you hit the ocean?! That’s real neat-o. Do you know the probability of you missing the ocean if you were to throw something from space at the earth, let alone throw something while you’re at the beach? Quick fact break down: approximately 70.78% of Earth’s surface is covered by water. If you were to randomly and blindly lob a rock at earth, even with no prior training or skills, you have a 70.78% chance of hitting water, and out of all that water, it’s pretty likely that you’d hit an ocean.

Let’s take that down to your level though, Jeffy. If you are standing at the shore, looking at the ocean, a mere 8-10 feet from the water line, you have an 80% chance of falling down and your rock rolling into the ocean. Now compound that with aiming and throwing a rock at the ocean you get a 100% chance that NOBODY CARES. Why don’t you do something your parents could actually be proud of, like learning to read, or playing baseball, or practicing your intelligence so that you can get that IQ slightly up above the “brain dead” level? On second thought, don’t bother. You’re a ginger AND you’ve been stuck in hell for half a century. You’re not going anywhere in life.